I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:52 am

In my youth, I think around the age of 12. I encountered a mind possession through an authority. I used to enjoy pooping outdoors. (I also come from a place called Den DUNGen)

Now this particular day it was in the evening and I was walking around. Now one of the girls that lived in my street who is a few years younger than me asked me where to poop. (I think now in retrospect she was afraid to poop indoors because of her older brother's sexual authoritarian backchat and/or actions) Now instead of adhering to the matrix and sending her back off in the house. I told her to go poop under a bush. And as I looked onward to it I saw that it was 'good'.

NOw at this exact moment another boy (Older) called Berrie (read Mighty) saw this and he threatened to tell the parents of the girl that I 'assisted' her. Afterwards her older brother got mad at us and threw some pears and fruit at our windows. This was also quite terryfing for me. Both the confrontation of me trying to do something 'right'. As well as the authoritarian reprimandation/retaliation. So the initial 'tell' of Berrie made me terrified of authorities and older people that 'know' what is better. Also because I didn't have an older sister. (the one I told you about in my other post)

She has the exact same backchat as my family does, so I am quite convinced that she would've been my sister if my father didn't fear his sisters. (they were albinos and one of my aunts is/was a heavy schizofrenic.) (she was very spiritual in the sense of the coming of the new age etc.)

Now in perspective I can see nothing much.

So this demon is actively controlling my mind when I fall into my backchat, but I can fight it off by using breathing techniques and writing tools. I see now. I will also use some HaloPeriDol if my nights are too hard up. (Especially during full moons)

AndreaRossouw
Posts: 244
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 6:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby AndreaRossouw » Sat Jul 07, 2012 10:27 am

Ruben.

There are no more Interdimensional Demon - only what you are currently busy creating and fueling within your mind as backchat. So - in essence you are perpetuating your own backchat entity. I suggest therefore be careful of how you are fueling your backchat even by writing about it - to use statement like 'I will throw a temper tantrum' indicates that you are not here - and that you are manipulating yourself through energy into states you perceive is you directing yourself and situations effectively

so -

I suggest STOP the weed. On this forum people are supported who support themselves - so if you are going to continue using weed - which will show in your writings - then you will be removed from the forum.

Secondly - BREATHE - when you find yourself going into your backchat - stop yourself - as this accumulation -you believe is actually assisting you to be more 'here' is not 'here' but you within and as energy possession.

So stop - Breathe, and write about your experience and apply self forgiveness. What is meant by 'assisting others' - is that we realize that by walking the tools ourselves and effectively forgiving ourselves we are supporting all -as we change ourselves we are standing as what is possible for all to be lived and realized. So - a suggestions - to focus on you - to quieten yourself -stop the self judgment and instead of going into the mind frenzy - to slow yourself down by writing out the point and forgiving it. You will know when you have forgiven yourself effectively - when you change in relation to no longer accepting and allowing yourself as that - so no real self-forgiveness occurs - if your starting point is not from and as Self- forgiving yourself within self responsibility.

To support yourself within structure - I suggest if you have access to the internet to make it part of your self discipline to read some of journey to life blogs each day (1 or as many as you are able to).

Then make time each day or within a consistent structural way - to write your own 7 year journey to life blog. Realize that what happened to your friend is not something you can control or change. You can change yourself in relation to the point by changing your experience in what you are busy allowing there - the mind game of guilt, frustration, anger etc. So - to support yourself within this point - you can apply self forgiveness for your reactions to her story - you are able to apply sf as the rapist etc. take responsibility for the point as yourself - without generating and perpetuating emotional reactions - as this is not assisting her or you. What happened to her is not your point to carry - focus on yourself and the suggestions above. To now create conflict with your parents is also not assisting her or you and creates additional conflict between you and your parents - based on your reactions.

So - to change the world - within what happened to her - does it not make sense for you to slow down and change firstly yourself - your addictions and fears? Realize that as long as you are running in circles around your addictions you are existing in the same character - as the people who harm - as you are harming yourself due to what you are currently accepting and allowing.

I suggest read the 7 year journey to life blog that I have been writing about criminal offenders and the responsibility I take for the character of the offender. Within this you will understand how each are existing as the exact same pattern as the offender - due to how we accept and allow our backchat.

http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... -from.html
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com ... earch.html

I suggest start a 7 year journey to life blog - if you dont want it public - I suggest write it here each day.

Other examples of 7 year journey to life blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot. ... eline.html
http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/p/timeline.html
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.co ... eline.html

More examples here:

http://forum.desteni.org/viewforum.php?f=75&start=50

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Mon Jul 23, 2012 2:15 pm

I have stopped weed before for 5 months and am currently off weed. Have been insituations where I could use it but haven't to keep myself from going back into the backchat.

The masturbation problem is still there and after reading your guide on how you quit masturbation it seems imperative and possible to stop this as well. I will focus on staying off the weed for now and keep the masturbation to a minimum, especially porn is a problem since I have access to it quite easily.

I am scared of being banned from here since this is possibly the only place where I can get the proper assistance, but for now I will refrain from my writings untill I'm certain I write from the reality instead of the mind.

Also to elaborate, I've had many autistic friends which partly also supported my mind backchat fueling. Not to use it as an excuse, but this has made me quite introverted and secretive. I will stabilize myself first to try to go without masturbation for 4 weeks. (this is the longest I've done without masturbation after the closing of the dimensions) If I can make it through 4 weeks I can perhaps push through with the 4-count breath.

AndreaRossouw
Posts: 244
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 6:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby AndreaRossouw » Thu Jul 26, 2012 5:23 pm

I suggest to push yourself after reading some of the 7 journey to life blogs - to start your own - either on the internet ( a blog) or use this forum. You can write in this thread of open a new one 'Ruben's Journey to Life' - Keep it simply and write each day (or when you are able to) about one point using the structure of the 7 year journey to life blogs which is a brief description if you want of the point - and then write self forgiveness and self commitment statements. This will be a challenge because the next day you will see where you did not stick to your self commitment statements and then you reconfirm yourself within the point. This assists immensely in letting go of the past. For example to write about your experience with the autistic friends - to self forgive and take self responsibility.

Remember though: the point of the 7 year journey to Life Blogs -is self responsibility - no blame - no projection - you write the point from YOUR participation and therefore apply sf accordingly.

This will be your daily diary that assist you in remaining grounded and becoming more and more effective as you write yourself into stability - through the words - daily.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:19 pm

In the past and in my participation within relationships with autistic people I have several points to adress.

4 points to start with; Guilt, Fear, abdication and pity.

First I remember being 'friends' with a boy from my class in elementary school where I went with him to play in a small pond. There I enjoyed being splashed with water (or to aggravate/provoke/offend the person) there this boy I spewed him with water and he got a annoyed and started flailing his arms. I enjoyed this, because it provoked a reaction where he did not say; STOP or I do not like this, but he just flailed his arms in aggravation or helplessness.

Then his mother warned me not to do it, but I did it again and again untill I provoked her into scolding me and telling me to go home.

This ensued a great fear in me, the fear of abandonment and the fear to be banned or excommunicated.

That is I think when I first created the: I'm a good boy, I will never do this again, I swear it, I swear it, character.

In fear of being expulted I became a good, docile boy to not invigore the 'authority' of the mother.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a docile 'good boy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear authority and mothers.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be docile around authorities, women and the 'initiated'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to generate fear when around children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sensitive child and thus separate myself from reality in the here and now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience children as 'special' and myself as a beacon of knowledge through the desteni.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself from my self-responsibilities by going into the 'good boy' character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a bad boy when I desire to be mischievous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt about my past actions wherein I bullied a little kid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that children are 'little' and need my protection whereas I needed to protect myself from my own mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accrue guilt for not being able to properly forgive myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel smart boy for being in the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for my lack of awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel myself as inferior than grown-ups or those that claim authority.


Now in the years after this I had several 'friends' one was a really good friend of mine that lived nearby. That 'friendship' eventually dried out and when I was 17/18 I got a new 'friend' after learning about this anime called Neon Genesis Evangelion, where they talk about the end of the world, and the Human Instrumentality Project.

This autistic person was rather smart and I didn't knew that he was that until later on, but we had many 'interesting' conversations about infinity, the world and our surroundings and how the world seemed rather unpleasant and hierarchal and comprised of systems.

Within this I noticed that he was also 'sensitive' and I pitied us. And we started to hang out and talk a lot about this.

Now after I became 19 I started to smoke weed extensively, because I was 'searching' for the truth, never realising that the truth is me, my physical body. But in going into the weed smoking I reclined in doing my homework and being practical in my application and went in my head wanting to understand the world. This also feeded the fact that during high school my parents always told me to do my best or I would fail. My participation and believing this created the: I am a failure when I get bad grades. But when I made the grade I also felt like; it is too easy why did I make it without doing any effort. And my parents called me smart which made me love/hate myself for not being practical but still making it. This created the I'm a loser, but still better than you character.

So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as superior to people who don't 'get it' like I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be LIE ve that I am the knowledge I withhold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be LIE ve that I am useless through not being able to physically speak as the here rand now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a genius.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as somebody who 'knows' it 'all'.

I forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as being burdened by this knowledge and abdicate my self-responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as needing to perfect myself before being able to direct myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the world as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself to fall in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel myself to be pitiable and needing help from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that genius is pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a loser who can't get anything done, but only point out the wrongdoings in the world and thus abdicating myself from my own responsibilites.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as smart learning today what the word abdication means in english.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to understand everything around me, without looking at myself first and applying myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being arrogant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as arrogant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as unable to forgive myself as I feel guilty for the world in its current state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as SHIT.

I commit myself to write daily or when possible to write out my past experience of myself, expose my mind and take self-responsibility instead of pitying myself and this world I and we have created.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Fri Jul 27, 2012 11:22 am

In response to this post; In hindsight, I think my initial point is not to do actual self-forgiveness, but to receive attention from you Andrea. Therefore I will refrain from doing self-forgiveness untill I'm supporting myself in more than just writing.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Wed Jun 01, 2016 11:53 am

I'm gonna start putting down some of the words that come up in my head when I try to judge myself through words. Then when I return in the future I will try to apply self-forgiveness to these words with more specificity. Since I'm still very much psychotic due to drugs/energy/feelings/emotions.


Inbred piece of shit monkey.
Incestuous bastard.
Disgust.
Retarded.
Cursed.
Stupid.
Faggot.
Asshole.
Dipshit.
Cunt.
Whore.
Fuckface.
Cocksucker.
Hateful mongrel.
Hoerenzoon.
Kutlul.
LUL.
Aap.
Na-aper
Papegaai
INSANE.
INERT.
Shithead.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Wed Jun 01, 2016 8:23 pm

I have just realised the extent of the evil deeds my whole life. And see that I have at least 7 years to go before I can even get to a point where I can start true self-forgiveness.

to be continued.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Tue Jun 07, 2016 10:33 am

Ok, no more self-judgement.

Let's make a list of the characters and fears I have created in my head through participation of the mind with positive or negative energy character creations, through judgement of others and thus myself. But also through fears, dreams and realizations of my limitations. The first one being.

Prisoner. (I remember as a small child I had dreams that the bars of my box would open up and I could just walk out of it)
Weener. (when I first learned what a penis was when I asked my mother, but also in regards to a cousin of mine named Winie or Wienie)
Turner. (fear of falling was taught to me here)
Gymnast. (going to the gymnasium in school, but also learning there.)
Mongoloid. (in regards to a presentation I had to make, but the teacher didn't allow me to make one about the subject I wanted, so she gave me another one. about people with Down-syndrome)
I always loved playing in trees, climbing exploring. But people called me monkey, epke etc. I never stood up for myself, cause I never cared/ didn't mind the attention. But I did create them as characters in myself, by accepting and allowing it.

Athlete.
Scholar.
Student.
Pony. (but also a memory where I was put on a pony at a stable ride, but I automatically fell off eventually, probably due to how I sensed how the animal was treated and I didn't want to burden it more)

Each one of these words are directly related to a question I asked in regards to for example. 'Where do I come from'

Or I like to do this, but not that.

I've always tried to minimize the negative things in my life by sensing anger and hatred and then going out of the way of those things instead of judging them head on.

This to me is also the reason why in my youth I've always experienced sometimes fights at random with other people, cause I was judging them for their hatred, but in such also judging myself for the hatred in me. The violence in my head, passed on to me from my father and the generations before that.

When combating hate anger or rage, I used to project shame on other people, and that's when I got into fights. Maybe I did this unconsciously even with colours, all based on the ideas of the people I lived with.

Hendrik is a name associated with being a brave hendrik! Being a brave boy. I grew up in a street with the name Hendrikskamp.

So assuming I was a brave hendrik, I thought I was always right.

The associations and links are extensive to these words, pictures, sounds and emotions.

I will make a map a chart of these in this thread.

Thank you. To be continued.

rubenBoons
Posts: 49
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:25 pm

Re: I'm RubenBoons and I have a bug in my head

Postby rubenBoons » Tue Jun 07, 2016 1:17 pm

I finally understand the transgressions I have committed when I shamed myself.

The girl in my story, she was assaulted by a sex offender.

I remember as a child, that there was this magnetic force, forcing me to go somewhere, but it scared me.

So I locked my bones, by jumping down the edge of the sandpit. It was merely 30 centimeters, but it locked my bones such in place that the force would not pull me towards that faithful day, the day where as usual I would take a shit somewhere outside.

If I was outside, I could've helped this girl, I could've stand up for her and not let that terrible act happen.

Then days later, or a while later, when she asked me where to poop, I told her to poop under the tree. Cause to me that is where 'hate' goes. When you hate your 'destiny' you shit it out, or you puke it out, whatever, but I prefered shitting I guess.

Now. When I told her to do that, Berrie, the neighbour kid a few years older saw this happening. In that moment I became shame. I became a shaman. I shame-on. A shame-onism. And that is mental rape.

Now this pattern has repeated throughout time, every time I would approach a girl, or like a girl. I would be shamed, but everyone. And I would feel shame.

And now I am living shame, I have taken all the shame of everything and put it inside me, and now I feel shame, I feel sick to my stomach all the time. And my greatest fear is that I will never be rid of it.

But there is no excuse for what I accepted and allowed. I abdicated myself from my responsibility. I have tried to swoon ladies flirt with them every time. And every time they would deny me, rightfully so, because in that act when I tried to swoon them, I felt ashamed, because I was aware of what I did.

To me being a child, is to be weak, to be at the hand of your 'protectors'. But no more. I will not accept and allow myself to shame myself anymore through acts of reacting towards the aggressions of other people, the energy, the hate they put into me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am shame incarnate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/act that because I was born and raised a christian, I am to allow myself to be shamed, act shamed, feel shamed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for the shameful acts of others, while in truth, I am only responsible for my own shameful acts.

Ok, this is my first step towards self-forgiveness, and more will come.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to tell others my problems so that they will feel pity upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mix the feeling of being pitied upon as being loved.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through putting other people's energy in me I can do forgiveness for them, while in fact this is not possible, because we all need to walk our own inner paths without being held by another's hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope/wait for somebody else to take my hand and in such re-lie-ve me from my transgressions and sins.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for another person to take away my pain. While it is my own responsibilty to walk my path inner and outer to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that if I forgive myself for once in an instance that I have in that moment that I have forgiven everything, while in actuality, this is a path that can not be jumped off from.

More will come in time.

thank you.


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