I finally understand the transgressions I have committed when I shamed myself.
The girl in my story, she was assaulted by a sex offender.
I remember as a child, that there was this magnetic force, forcing me to go somewhere, but it scared me.
So I locked my bones, by jumping down the edge of the sandpit. It was merely 30 centimeters, but it locked my bones such in place that the force would not pull me towards that faithful day, the day where as usual I would take a shit somewhere outside.
If I was outside, I could've helped this girl, I could've stand up for her and not let that terrible act happen.
Then days later, or a while later, when she asked me where to poop, I told her to poop under the tree. Cause to me that is where 'hate' goes. When you hate your 'destiny' you shit it out, or you puke it out, whatever, but I prefered shitting I guess.
Now. When I told her to do that, Berrie, the neighbour kid a few years older saw this happening. In that moment I became shame. I became a shaman. I shame-on. A shame-onism. And that is mental rape.
Now this pattern has repeated throughout time, every time I would approach a girl, or like a girl. I would be shamed, but everyone. And I would feel shame.
And now I am living shame, I have taken all the shame of everything and put it inside me, and now I feel shame, I feel sick to my stomach all the time. And my greatest fear is that I will never be rid of it.
But there is no excuse for what I accepted and allowed. I abdicated myself from my responsibility. I have tried to swoon ladies flirt with them every time. And every time they would deny me, rightfully so, because in that act when I tried to swoon them, I felt ashamed, because I was aware of what I did.
To me being a child, is to be weak, to be at the hand of your 'protectors'. But no more. I will not accept and allow myself to shame myself anymore through acts of reacting towards the aggressions of other people, the energy, the hate they put into me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am shame incarnate.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/act that because I was born and raised a christian, I am to allow myself to be shamed, act shamed, feel shamed.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel responsible for the shameful acts of others, while in truth, I am only responsible for my own shameful acts.
Ok, this is my first step towards self-forgiveness, and more will come.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to tell others my problems so that they will feel pity upon me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to mix the feeling of being pitied upon as being loved.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through putting other people's energy in me I can do forgiveness for them, while in fact this is not possible, because we all need to walk our own inner paths without being held by another's hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope/wait for somebody else to take my hand and in such re-lie-ve me from my transgressions and sins.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for another person to take away my pain. While it is my own responsibilty to walk my path inner and outer to do what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that if I forgive myself for once in an instance that I have in that moment that I have forgiven everything, while in actuality, this is a path that can not be jumped off from.
More will come in time.