Funk yeah, I'm gonna write here. It's the place for me atm, because I see my writings being too charged with emotions and I'm not sharing them any more.
I'm busy now studying graphic design, and the university is extremely time consuming. So, i see lots of points coming up every day, but it’s like I’ve adapted to my mind again, not like challenging myself to not accept what comes up in my mind immediately and just continue with what I’m doing because i don’t have time to write or check what’s going on.
Now i’m taking a moment for myself to do this, this morning I woke up feeling like crap, and it’s not something unusual, actually I think everyday I wake up i feel with a heavy emotion mostly in my chest which then becomes sadness. it’s a feeling of overwhelmingness, because I see my daily routine and how I am not as effective as I could.
For example, i spend lots of time in the internet and in front of the computer doing homework because everyday I have homework from the university, and it’s like I spend all the time doing the homework’s I have but I’m not effective at it because i left it unfinished or for the next day, and at the end of the day I feel tired and sleepy so I go to take a nap and i sleep till the next day, and I am not doing exercise or going out with people or doing other things i would like to do as for example things I started but never continued, as for example playing the guitar, dancing, singing, making art because i already have my degrees on arts, but now I started with graphic design and I came back to live to Colombia, and here i am now, not comfortable at all with my life at the moment, living with and by my parents still.
So there are lots of problems I see i have to face as consequences for me living my life as if I had all the time in the world, as if I wasn’t able to finish tasks, and to complete others i have to do but I have left behind. The consequences of the world system currently, which is also the representation of my mind, that of having to study for like 25 years and then going out to the working system and not knowing if one will have a job or if it will be good payed. So this constant not knowing is a problem, because it’s also what I’m living internally, like because I feel all this shit inside and haven’t worked it out and solved it and written it down and walked my process supporting myself daily, its like I feel that I won’t walk my process in the end because i’m not doing it daily, so this preoccupation is silly because it’s a matter of doing something daily like centering myself in everything daily. But why do I fin this difficult? It’s because I have distractions, like Facebook, like the internet, music, youtube.
And this feelings and thoughts, because i see how I would be much more effective if I just didn’t have this noise in my head telling me that i don’t know how to do things, how to finish things fast, how to walk this system and my mind, how to complete homework being effective, creative and doing harmonious things.
So, I’ve been in solitude a lot, this is another point, and it’s because i have to do my own homework, so it’s a solitude work, but I’ve been using this to also like spend a lot of time alone at home, not going out, from home to university, from university to home, and I’ve been using this time to also nurture myself with the support of the group, through listening to vlogs, hangouts, mixlr, and also to blogs because I found the perfect software to listen to wirings, a text to speech, called iSpeak it, and also reading self forgiveness from others aloud.
But because of my lack of discipline, consistency, self commitment, self challenge, I see that I’m not being effective in my life. It’s not enough in me nurturing myself with the support I find on the internet, i have to support myself because no one has my mind but me.
So this is a first step to see if I can finally start supporting myself as what I have become, which is not the best of me, I see how i have limited myself, and how I am living in fear which is not acceptable.